Black dog

Do you ever have one of those days when nothing feels right? You feel really down but can't put a finger on the cause. You tick off the important things: relationships, family, friends, health, work, time of life.....

Yes, that's the one - time of life. I turned 50 this year. Fifty is the new 30 they say. Who are they trying to kid? It might be the new 40 but 40 wasn't great either. I want to be 20 again. But what would I change? Would I marry the same? I guess I would except times are different now. It's fashionable to co-habit for a while.

I've been with the same partner for 28 years and it's been good; still is. We have three healthy boys who seem pretty well adjusted from where I'm sitting. As families go we have our ups and downs but nothing too traumatic.

I've had a solid career which still seems remarkably sound even though I left paid employment six years ago. There's been a lot of travel. I miss Yorkshire but we still have many friends there. I can't say I have ever adjusted to living in Surrey - just too many golf clubs.

I should have written more books, should have done some TV and a bit more radio but I'm not very good at striking deals. I don't chase things, don't kick at doors. For a career journalist I'm just not so curious about things as I used to be. I love to chat but I think everybody needs space and journalists can be so "in your face."

Yes today is one of those days that the negativity is flowing from every pore. Think Eeyore. Think Marvin the Paranoid Android (without a brain the size of a planet,of course). Americans can't understand this kind of "can't do" mentality. Even if they feel this way they would never admit it publicly.

Sometimes I wonder if it has something to do with a Yorkshire upbringing in a sooty mill town where even the grass was grey. You must have seen those L S Lowry pictures. Well that was just like my town and I was one of the stick children, head held down. But we were 'appy.

I'm having a full bells and whistles medical examination later this week. I know they're going to find something. Maybe that's at the root of my darkening mood. But there's another more pressing concern, common to hypochondriacs everywhere: suppose they don't find anything? That's the biggest worry of all.