Russian oligarchs - a glossary of terms

Why do we only ever seem to hear of Russian oligarchs? What is an oligarch anyway and why aren't there British or American oligarchs?

If my dictionary is correct the definition that seems most applicable for its media use is: member of an oligarchy - a small clique of private citizens who exert a strong influence on government.

Who in the UK might fit that clique definition? I suppose government advisers and the heads of business and banking bodies could be said to be part of the British oligarchy. But we would never describe Mervyn King, governor of the Bank of England or Richard Lambert, director general of the Confederation of British Industry as oligarchs. Nor would we talk about a British oligarchy.

So there must be new connotations, new assumptions, associated with media use of the phrase "Russian Oligarch". Do I detect the whiff of corruption? Gangsterdom, even? I think so. I think that the phrase, as used in the popular press, has come to be regarded by some of us, possibly most of us, as a codeword, a euphemism, for "dodgy individual". That, I believe, is the intention of those who use it and the conclusion of those who read it.

So when we read allegations that George Osborne, the shadow chancellor, has been trying to solicit a Conservative Party donation from a Russian oligarch while enjoying hospitality on the oligarch's yacht we are being invited to interpret certain words and phrases.

For Russian Oligarch read: "rich and powerful but dodgy individual who gained his vast wealth by various nefarious means, including favours and patronage, but certainly not through hard work, scholarship and academic diligence."

For yacht read: "Expensive, lavish, decadent, wasteful, ostentatious luxury possession beyond the means of most people that today is even eschewed by Royalty, however reluctantly, as an unjustified drain on the privy purse." Do not, under any circumstances, read: "A boat with sails."

For Conservative Party read: "Grubby, nest feathering, opportunists prepared to sell their own grandmothers, not to mention hitherto strongly held principles based on thrift, hard work and individual freedoms, for a chance to line their party coffers."

For Corfu read: "Tacky Mediterranean haunt of new money, "celebrities", smooching politicians, gas-guzzling motor launches misleadingly described as "yachts" and the occasional Russian oligarch.

For George Osborne read: "Numpty."

Bragging rights

Never boast about yourself, my mum always said. So I never did. Instead over the years I have polished my skills at self-deprecation to the stage where I believe my own press.

I write about the fish I lose. If I fall in the river everybody gets to know. I can't spell, can't remember things and sometimes forget before I get to the end of a sentence. I fluff my lines in a presentation and you have a big laugh at my expense.

So I stumble along as the little guy. I pack my job in and nothing bad happens. Quite the opposite; lots of good things happen. I launch my web site with no real business strategy and it brings in business. I start a blog and my web site visitor numbers really start to take off - 17,000 last month with more than 1,000 visitors a day for the first time on peak days. Thank you for looking in. Take note sponsors.

Then this week I get my copy of Human Resources Magazine and find that I have been ranked at number 10 in its Top 100 most influential people in HR list, and one of the five highest climbers. This in a year that I seemed to have done more fishing than writing. They sent me a little certificate. I haven't had a certificate since swimming for the school team at one of those cheapskate swimming galas where they couldn't run to a medal.

Oscar ceremony

Of course, if I hadn't made the list I would be saying: "What nonsense. Why is so-and-so not there?" I could give you many reasons why this listing doesn't matter or why it's undeserved but I'm not going to. Instead I'm going to do the Oscar ceremony thing and thank all those who voted for me.

The thing is, it's true what people say about work - a bit of recognition goes a long way. So if you are up there mum looking down, forgive the boasting.

I noticed that my old editor, Richard Lambert, now director general of the Confederation of British Industry is named at number 38. Now that isn't boasting anymore. It's gloating and unforgivable.

Fair boss

What I will say about Richard is that he was a fair boss. I remember the exchange we had at our first meeting when, as Deputy Editor, he was interviewing me for a job at the FT. He leaned back in his chair and asked:"Why should we employ you at the Financial Times?"

"I have no idea," I said. "But you asked me down here. I didn't apply for a job."

After that it was a sales talk. "You can do percentages," he said. "Yes," I lied. "Well that's all you need." It really was as simple as that.