Mr Smith's Christmas trees and a question for royalty
The newspapers keep telling me that people are not spending this Christmas. Someone should tell our local garden centre. They had a thousand trees just over a week ago and now they've almost all gone. We found ourselves picking over the scraps this morning.
I couldn't believe the prices: £30 for anything of any size. Last year they were half that price. I like going to this garden centre because the man who founded it, Mr Smith, always asks me the same question in a voice that is slow but quite high pitched. In fact the conversation is always the same brief exchange.
"How's your garden?" he asks.
"It's doing fine," I say.
"Oh, I am pleased," says he.
I've been going to his garden centre for nearly 20 years and the wording of the conversation has never changed. In fact it's such a reassuring exchange of pleasantries that I'm thinking of sending it to the Queen who might like to have it up her sleeve as an alternative to "Have you come far?" and "What do you do?"
On the other hand, unlike Mr Smith, she could not assume that whoever she was addressing would have a garden. But I suppose it would be a safe subject to raise with the Queen without seeming impertinent.
"How is one's garden?"
"One's garden is doing fine."
"Oh I am pleased."
I'm wondering if there could be a market for a small "book of pleasantries for use in encounters with royalty."
"How's your garden?" could be a tricky one for Prince Charles since there is a risk that it could lead to a full-blooded conversation and that might not be welcome, particularly if it strays in to awkward topics such as the wisdom or otherwise of talking to one's plants. Then there is the GM crops debate. Before you know it you could have unwittingly caused a diplomatic incident.
Taboo subjects: dogs, Annie Leibovitz, the BBC, Nicholas Witchell, League Against Cruel Sports.
Safe subjects: the weather, geography, gardens (not Prince Charles), occupation (as long is it is fairly sedentary and not pole dancing or journalism - see Nicholas Witchell).
Mr Smith has now passed the business on to his son who has never once asked me about my garden or anything else for that matter. But I still see his father. In reality my garden is a mess but I would never tell Mr Smith. That would spoil everything.
I couldn't believe the prices: £30 for anything of any size. Last year they were half that price. I like going to this garden centre because the man who founded it, Mr Smith, always asks me the same question in a voice that is slow but quite high pitched. In fact the conversation is always the same brief exchange.
"How's your garden?" he asks.
"It's doing fine," I say.
"Oh, I am pleased," says he.
I've been going to his garden centre for nearly 20 years and the wording of the conversation has never changed. In fact it's such a reassuring exchange of pleasantries that I'm thinking of sending it to the Queen who might like to have it up her sleeve as an alternative to "Have you come far?" and "What do you do?"
On the other hand, unlike Mr Smith, she could not assume that whoever she was addressing would have a garden. But I suppose it would be a safe subject to raise with the Queen without seeming impertinent.
"How is one's garden?"
"One's garden is doing fine."
"Oh I am pleased."
I'm wondering if there could be a market for a small "book of pleasantries for use in encounters with royalty."
"How's your garden?" could be a tricky one for Prince Charles since there is a risk that it could lead to a full-blooded conversation and that might not be welcome, particularly if it strays in to awkward topics such as the wisdom or otherwise of talking to one's plants. Then there is the GM crops debate. Before you know it you could have unwittingly caused a diplomatic incident.
Taboo subjects: dogs, Annie Leibovitz, the BBC, Nicholas Witchell, League Against Cruel Sports.
Safe subjects: the weather, geography, gardens (not Prince Charles), occupation (as long is it is fairly sedentary and not pole dancing or journalism - see Nicholas Witchell).
Mr Smith has now passed the business on to his son who has never once asked me about my garden or anything else for that matter. But I still see his father. In reality my garden is a mess but I would never tell Mr Smith. That would spoil everything.
Labels: Annie Leibovitz, Christmas trees, GM Crops, League Against Cruel Sports, Nicholas Witchell, Prince Charles, the BBC, The Queen
posted by Richard Donkin at
2:03 PM
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