Coming out - a passion for Scotland

Somewhere at some deep subliminal level, emotionally suppressed perhaps, I'm wondering if for much of my life I have harboured a secret and undefined urge to be Scottish.

It's not something I have felt comfortable talking about until now. But it's difficult and not altogether healthy to deny your urges. For many years I have wanted a kilt. I suppose I would adopt the clan Duncan which is the nearest approximation I can find to my name. I just like the idea of baring my knees in the heather, not to mention the freedom from restriction afforded to other parts. The "right to dangle" in the fresh air is enshrined in the wearing of the kilt.

I am too old to adopt the Scottish burr but for many years I have enjoyed celebrating Burns night with haggis, tatties, neaps and whisky. In fact I will be having haggis on my birthday as I did last year in a fishing hut by the side of the Dee.

There are parallels to be drawn between the Scots and Yorkshire people. Both are careful with their money although Yorkshire people are perhaps a little less dour. As P G Woodhouse once wrote: "It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine."

Had I stayed in my native Yorkshire I'm sure the ties of allegiance would have been too great by now. But, having made the break from Yorkshire nearly 20 years ago, I am still struggling to find a sense of belonging in Surrey. I want to live somewhere where people talk in bus queues. In Surrey they don't have bus queues because they don't have many buses and, where they do, everyone keeps their own council.

Weighing up the pros and cons of Scotland I realise that I don't like everything about the place. I have a problem with the embedded Presbyterianism on the Isle of Lewis, for example. Anywhere that locks up its playgrounds on a Sunday has to be viewed with suspicion.

I've made three lists covering Scottishness: 1. People and things I like, 2. People and things I dislike, and 3. People and things about which I am ambivalent:

1. Likes (Scotland)

Kilts, hunting tartans, ospreys, salmon fishing, Deeside, ghillies, The Beano, People's Friend Magazine, The Forth Rail Bridge, St Kilda, Munroes, Dunkeld, Caledonian Macbrayne ferries, John Buchan, Melrose, Donald Dewar, Bill McLaren, Archie Gemmell, The Royal Bank of Scotland, Charles Rennie Mackintosh, haggis, malt whisky, the beech hedge at Meikleour, Highland cattle, Iona, Tobermory, Kirsty Wark, Muriel Grey, The Cullins, grouse, Malloch's, Caledonian Canal, Claymores, raspberries, Western Isles, Jackie Stewart, Robert Burns, bothies, Skara Brae, brocks, RAF Leuchars, Neist Point Lighthouse, Robert Louis Stephenson, Mrs MacDonald's cheese shop in Blairgowrie (the best cheese shop in Scotland), Stanley Baxter ("Izat a marra on yer barra, Clara?"), Dr Finlay's Casebook, Oor Wullie, golden eagles, Dougie MacLean, West Highland White terriers, Henderson's of Edinburgh, Harris Tweed.


2. Dislikes

The Loch Ness Monster, accordion music, battered Mars bars, Tennants 80 shilling ale, Stornaway, the Glasgow accent, Curling, seals, Mel Gibson, pebble dashing, The Forth Road Bridge, bridies, tartan trousers, The Scottish Wool Shop, jokey bad weather postcards, Scottish dancing, the Isle of Skye Bridge, Sir Walter Scott, Edinburgh Military tattoo , John O'Groats, Mary Queen of Scots, The Dandy, Fort William, Muckle Flugga, preserves, The House of Bruar catalogue, The White Heather Club, the Krankies, miserable ghillies, west coast midges, Mull of Kintyre (the dirge), Bonnie Prince Charlie, Monarch of the Glen, short bread, Caithness glass paperweights.


3. Ambivalent

Bagpipes, Billy Connolly, Sean Connery, Uig sands, tossing the caber, Edinburgh, Robert the Bruce, Sauchiehall Street, dour ghillies, Scotch eggs, Macbeth, Ben Nevis, David Steel, the Scottish Nationalist Party, The Bay City Rollers, Sir Alex Ferguson, Stirling Castle, thistles, Gretna, Scotch Broth, Jack Vettriano, Aberdeen Angus, Flora MacDonald, capercaillies.

Mel Gibson isn't Scottish you might say. Well someone ought to tell him and put us all out of our misery. The more observant will notice that ghillies appear in each list - well you get all sorts but I should say that I like most of those I have met. I should also say that I have never been to John O'Groats but I know I won't like it. I hate places where there is a white signpost pointing in various directions, saying how far it is to the North Pole or Disneyland. Also crazy cyclists gather there and that's a worry.

A few years ago we did try to buy a house in Melrose but were outbid. I saw another one on Harris but Gill drew the line at that one. I do worry about the midges and the dark winters but I like contrasts and I like windswept places. I worry about Scottish separatism. I think that seceding from the union would be a mistake and I'm not sure I want to be independently Scottish. Nor do I care for "English bashing" wherever I find it. Countries like Scotland and Wales need to grow up a little and get rid of their historic animosity towards England, just as the Irish have done. If separatism is the future, then I hope they will follow the Irish model where an English passport is not required and where even English dogs are welcome.